His throat is doing the squeezed thing and his eyes are burning and blurry and he wishes he could stop himself from crying without it turning into blood and happening anyway. He does too much of it.
Edwin wads up a bit of his sleeve and wipes his face, voice dropping more.
"I'm mad at him for making you feel like you can't walk around and live your life," she says firmly. "I'm mad at him for thinking you'd just hurt a child without any other reason but that you happen to be in the same place. I'm mad that he didn't use his words. I'm mad that you're hurting right now."
She has such deep deep sympathy for him, absolutely. But that doesn't mean she can't also be frustrated about those things, and angry on Edwin's behalf. She can See Him. Whatever he was, whatever potential he has, who he chooses to be is something else. And she has the utmost understanding for Charlie as a person in mourning, as a person who's been hurt by the supernatural, as someone who's lost and lost and lost. That doesn't mean she can't hurt for Edwin too. And when he's the one in front of her, prioritize him. The King Charlie talked about wasn't Edwin. She knows it isn't.
She shakes her head and she wraps her arm around him and she breathes in deep. Breathes out slow. She'll do it a couple of times, give him a good rhythm to emulate to steady out. Then, rubbing his back-
"There's lots of stories out there." Because maybe his Edwin didn't. Maybe his Edwin was cruel. "But even if you did. This place is about redemption. It's about helping people to see why their story ended how it did... and a better way for them to continue it. His pain doesn't make attacking you okay. If he can't accept that you aren't who he thinks you are, at least as far as not attacking you, then I don't know what he expects to do here."
She shakes her head.
"No one gets a free pass to hurt people because of their pain. Not inmates. And certainly not wardens."
He hunches a little as shame creeps in around the edges. Edwin still mimics her breaths without thinking about it.
"I hurt Arthur when I came here. I killed him. I thought he was the one who hurt me and I didn't believe him when he said he wasn't. I didn't understand."
It's a confession rather than any statement of sympathy with Charlie. He doesn't want Saga to find out later and think Edwin is a hypocrite, even if he is.
Edwin hunches a little more, seems for a moment to actually be shrinking in on himself, and then there's a sugar glider climbing Saga's shirt to try and hide under her ponytail.
She'll jump just a little, just from the lack of weight against her, before she smiles and puts a hand up to gently stroke down his furry back as she steps back inside and closes the door. She'll head to the table to sit.
"And when you did that, you had to learn that what you did was wrong. You also had to heal the wounds that made you do that and learn alternatives to taking out your pain on others."
She'll pick up her coffee again.
"You're welcome to just stay here for a little bit and spend some time with me. Or we can go into my mind place if you want to vent your spleen a little, as they say. I'm okay to listen."
"Oh no," she says with a little huff of her own, "he has to. Because he's my coworker. And how the hell are you going to help someone redeem themselves if you think this process isn't real?"
She doesn't shake her head but there's the feeling that she'd like to.
"He doesn't have to like you, but he does have to give you the basic respect of a co-worker and a person he's living with on this ship. Non-negotiable."
Edwin doesn't answer, though the quality of his silence is unmistakable doubt. Charlie started out an actual person, with an actual person's pain. That takes precedence over the King in Yellow, who he is not, but also is. He doesn't even know how to begin making sense of it all any more.
She considers that silence. Then she holds her hand at the back of her neck, under her ponytail, in a request that he hop on so he can come settle at the front where she can see him.
And pet him, yes. He's very cute.
"I want to tell you a story. But I need you to promise me something before I do."
"That you won't get too mad at the person who's in the story," she says quietly, still a little unsure if this is the right path. It's not often that she's unsure, but it shakes her when it happens. This isn't something she thought she'd tell anyone else, especially now that Alan is here. But she thinks Edwin needs it, and she trusts him.
"I know you won't hurt them. But I also don't want them to lose out on the chance for good people in their life here. They deserve a chance to move forward. And I don't want to mess with that. Can you promise that?"
"That's fine. I just..." she pauses and yeah, okay, she'll admit it. "I worry about them. And maybe I shouldn't, given everything but... I do. I want them to be okay."
And maybe part of that is feeling safer if they know what a fucked up thing they did. But most of it isn't. It feels like it should be.
He doesn't exactly mean to, but he's felt John do it enough times that it isn't hard. He reaches out with a brush of affection, a marrow-deep emotional reassurance, something that shows a glimpse of the Old Thing he was underneath the young thing he is now.
You're a good person. I can be a good person for them.
And she reaches back, accepts it for what it is, lets him comfort her before she leans down to kiss his little furry head.
"Good people can be angry too. In fact, a lot of time, being good means being angry."
She breathes in deep.
"I'm an FBI agent back home. That means, when there's a crime where the local police need our help, they call for us. And we go help them. My partner and I came to a place called Bright Falls in Washington state. And everything was as it should be as we started our investigation."
And out.
"Then, impossible things started happening. Corpses got up and attacked people. I had to do a ritual using a man's heart to walk through a portal in a tree. Shadows took the shape of people and were trying to kill us. It was... wild, but I still found it fascinating. It felt like the world was opening up so I could see the parts I'd never seen."
An FBI agent. He's heard the term before, in movies, seen it in books, but never took a particular interest in the acronym beyond what he needed to know for the story he was seeing.
One part of that does stick out to him--a portal in a tree. He can't help thinking of the tree in the common room on the eighth deck, the way it felt like it could go somewhere else entirely given the right circumstances. Regardless, his small black eyes are fixed on Saga while she talks. It makes sense to him, being fascinated by the world becoming an impossible thing.
"We found Alan on the shore of a lake," she says quietly, because now the story is taking a turn for the less pleasant, "but even before that there was another change that was happening: people knowing who I was in this town I'd never been to before. People telling me that they were sorry about what happened to my daughter."
She looks over at Edwin.
"I have a little girl named Logan. She's about fourteen. Her picture is over there on the mantel if you're curious. She gave me that mug I'm always drinking my coffee from."
The one that says 'Not the Worst Mom'.
"And as far as I knew, she was back at home, just fine, with my husband."
Oh. Oh, no. He already had suspicions about where this might be going, or where it could, and he gives Saga's palm what he hopes is seen as a comforting lick.
"First I got a call that she'd slipped in the shower. My husband was there, heard the thump, and he caught her before she drowned in there. It's a danger, believe it or not."
She keeps going, her eyes distant, a little pet for that lick.
"Then someone who'd never met me before was talking about me like we've known each other for years. He's telling me about my trailer in the trailer park down the road." She looks down at Edwin. "Like I said: I'd never been there before. I grew up across the country."
Unconsciously, her hand will start gently stroking down his back, trying to comfort him through the tension she's feeling.
"I went to see the trailer. It was filled with empty bottles, unpaid bills, my resignation from the FBI... and a newspaper talking about how my daughter had drowned in the lake some years ago."
She swallows.
"My partner believes it all. The people who lived in the town. The woman who worked at the retirement home.
"And the only other people who knew it wasn't real were two old men I'd never met who told me I was family, that a man named Tor was my grandfather."
He leans into the touch, thinking of Faroe. Definitely not fourteen, but that doesn't make it better, imagining her in Logan's place. He tries to imagine what it would be like to have everyone say that she drowned, that she died, that she was gone, and be the only one who knew it wasn't true. It's awful, and he's only her friend. He's barely met her.
"She is. I talked to her on the phone just before I came here." A breath out. "But for... for way too long, it wasn't a sure thing. Until about ten minutes before I came here, I wasn't sure if my daughter was alive, if my husband was still with me, or if my partner was going to die too."
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Edwin wads up a bit of his sleeve and wipes his face, voice dropping more.
"I want someone to be mad at him other than me."
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She has such deep deep sympathy for him, absolutely. But that doesn't mean she can't also be frustrated about those things, and angry on Edwin's behalf. She can See Him. Whatever he was, whatever potential he has, who he chooses to be is something else. And she has the utmost understanding for Charlie as a person in mourning, as a person who's been hurt by the supernatural, as someone who's lost and lost and lost. That doesn't mean she can't hurt for Edwin too. And when he's the one in front of her, prioritize him. The King Charlie talked about wasn't Edwin. She knows it isn't.
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He leans forward until his forehead rests on Saga's shoulder, still helplessly angry and wishing it would go away.
"I didn't do anything to him. Not even the version I met. I tried to help."
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"There's lots of stories out there." Because maybe his Edwin didn't. Maybe his Edwin was cruel. "But even if you did. This place is about redemption. It's about helping people to see why their story ended how it did... and a better way for them to continue it. His pain doesn't make attacking you okay. If he can't accept that you aren't who he thinks you are, at least as far as not attacking you, then I don't know what he expects to do here."
She shakes her head.
"No one gets a free pass to hurt people because of their pain. Not inmates. And certainly not wardens."
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"I hurt Arthur when I came here. I killed him. I thought he was the one who hurt me and I didn't believe him when he said he wasn't. I didn't understand."
It's a confession rather than any statement of sympathy with Charlie. He doesn't want Saga to find out later and think Edwin is a hypocrite, even if he is.
Edwin hunches a little more, seems for a moment to actually be shrinking in on himself, and then there's a sugar glider climbing Saga's shirt to try and hide under her ponytail.
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"And when you did that, you had to learn that what you did was wrong. You also had to heal the wounds that made you do that and learn alternatives to taking out your pain on others."
She'll pick up her coffee again.
"You're welcome to just stay here for a little bit and spend some time with me. Or we can go into my mind place if you want to vent your spleen a little, as they say. I'm okay to listen."
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I had to because I was an inmate. He doesn't because he's a warden.
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She doesn't shake her head but there's the feeling that she'd like to.
"He doesn't have to like you, but he does have to give you the basic respect of a co-worker and a person he's living with on this ship. Non-negotiable."
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And pet him, yes. He's very cute.
"I want to tell you a story. But I need you to promise me something before I do."
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...What kind of promise?
Normally his answer would just be okay, but he's still shaken and angry and it makes trust even harder than usual.
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"I know you won't hurt them. But I also don't want them to lose out on the chance for good people in their life here. They deserve a chance to move forward. And I don't want to mess with that. Can you promise that?"
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I don't think I can promise not to get mad. I can promise not to stay mad?
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"That's fine. I just..." she pauses and yeah, okay, she'll admit it. "I worry about them. And maybe I shouldn't, given everything but... I do. I want them to be okay."
And maybe part of that is feeling safer if they know what a fucked up thing they did. But most of it isn't. It feels like it should be.
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You're a good person. I can be a good person for them.
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"Good people can be angry too. In fact, a lot of time, being good means being angry."
She breathes in deep.
"I'm an FBI agent back home. That means, when there's a crime where the local police need our help, they call for us. And we go help them. My partner and I came to a place called Bright Falls in Washington state. And everything was as it should be as we started our investigation."
And out.
"Then, impossible things started happening. Corpses got up and attacked people. I had to do a ritual using a man's heart to walk through a portal in a tree. Shadows took the shape of people and were trying to kill us. It was... wild, but I still found it fascinating. It felt like the world was opening up so I could see the parts I'd never seen."
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One part of that does stick out to him--a portal in a tree. He can't help thinking of the tree in the common room on the eighth deck, the way it felt like it could go somewhere else entirely given the right circumstances. Regardless, his small black eyes are fixed on Saga while she talks. It makes sense to him, being fascinated by the world becoming an impossible thing.
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She looks over at Edwin.
"I have a little girl named Logan. She's about fourteen. Her picture is over there on the mantel if you're curious. She gave me that mug I'm always drinking my coffee from."
The one that says 'Not the Worst Mom'.
"And as far as I knew, she was back at home, just fine, with my husband."
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She keeps going, her eyes distant, a little pet for that lick.
"Then someone who'd never met me before was talking about me like we've known each other for years. He's telling me about my trailer in the trailer park down the road." She looks down at Edwin. "Like I said: I'd never been there before. I grew up across the country."
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He's not sure how he feels.
Anxious. Guilty. Ashamed. He Knows This Story. A version of it. Someone else's version of it.
CW child death
"I went to see the trailer. It was filled with empty bottles, unpaid bills, my resignation from the FBI... and a newspaper talking about how my daughter had drowned in the lake some years ago."
She swallows.
"My partner believes it all. The people who lived in the town. The woman who worked at the retirement home.
"And the only other people who knew it wasn't real were two old men I'd never met who told me I was family, that a man named Tor was my grandfather."
CW child death
Is-- Is she okay? She's okay, right?
Re: CW child death
"She is. I talked to her on the phone just before I came here." A breath out. "But for... for way too long, it wasn't a sure thing. Until about ten minutes before I came here, I wasn't sure if my daughter was alive, if my husband was still with me, or if my partner was going to die too."
She swallows again.
"In fact, the first time, it didn't work."
Re: CW child death
Then, with a fresh twist of anxiety: What made all that happen in the first place?
Re: CW child death
Re: CW child death
Re: CW child death
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