He rubs the back of his neck as he comes inside and paces a little as he answers.
"John and I fought. Really, really badly. Well-- No, I got really scared about something and I hurt John. A lot." If he's going to get this right, he needs to be completely honest about it. "A lot. Worse than I... ever, ever have."
He almost adds as me, but cuts himself off. He doesn't need to say that. He's him.
"He didn't tell Arthur what happened. But he was... He wasn't doing well. And Arthur figured out it had to do with me, and he--"
Edwin makes a grumbly little noise and rubs his face with both hands. "The stupid shithead tried to trap me in his cabin so he could interrogate me, and I don't think he even-- even knows, even realizes that he wouldn't have cared what I said, until I said what he wanted."
The way he was with Wake. The agenda he didn't tell her about until later. It makes her wince, because it's still one of the only times she's ever gotten sharp with her partner, but sharp she did get.
Knowing what she knows about Arthur, the idea that anyone would hurt John-
"I'm surprised you aren't tied up there now, honestly."
Oh, Edwin's a godling. But Arthur is crafty and sharp and if he felt guilty about what he'd done to John, he knows Arthur would use that to wrap him up like a Thanksgiving Turkey with enough time.
He flops into it, tired to his liminal bones. "I didn't do anything on purpose, really? I kind of didn't figure out how shitty it was until after, because I was upset too, the most upset I've ever been about fucking something up."
He closes his eyes and ties to remember exactly what happened. "I teleported back to my cabin, and he came in and said we were going to talk or-- well, doesn't matter without context. 'Or else,' kind of, but hyperbole. It started okay, he said he was there because he cared and he'd never seen either of us that upset. And then it got bad, fast. He tried to make me feel guilty, and when I got angry instead he got sharp, and then I told him to leave and he wouldn't, so I told him that was bullshit and disrespectful and I left."
He is indeed surprised, but also pleased with himself in the midst of said surprise. He did a good twice in a row. "I just think chocolate is better than plain sugar. Um, thank you."
He pauses and sighs. Right. More business. "I already kind of told him part of it was shitty, because he knows I'm afraid of being trapped. More than afraid of it. So I asked him if that's what he was trying to do, and he said yes and tried to make excuses, and I made him answer the question of what I'm most afraid of other than-- than the Dark World, and when he finally did I asked him how I could even pretend he was there for me and John when he started with that."
And then other discussions happened, but those are not as relevant to this.
"And the conversation kind of got broken off, but I thought about it more, and..."
He sighs through his nose. "I want to talk to him about what he was actually doing, because I think he thinks he was investigating and he wasn't."
"You're right," she agrees as she walks over with the cup of hot mocha with little marshmallows. Just pour that coffee into the cocoa mix and go. Tiny bit of milk to round it out. She puts it down on the coaster in front of him.
"He was 'protecting' John. And 'protecting' can get" her eyes are somewhere else for a moment, someone else, "pretty dark, when someone feels like someone they love is slipping through their grasp."
She sits down with her own coffee.
"If you heard the quote marks, that's because it's not that either. It's an attempt to regain control of a situation so nothing gets worse. It's a defense mechanism, and I'm not at all surprised."
That makes sense. It felt like that, like something that-ish. He nods slowly, tweaking the heat in his mug as he picks it up, and then shifts so he can cross his legs on the chair.
"Anyway, I was pretty nasty about pointing out the trapping part, and I don't actually feel sorry about that, but I'm not ready to talk to him about everything else yet, and how much it... how much it hurt that he would do that when he knows how hard I worked to trust him in the first place. I need to figure out how to say it so he won't just decide it means he's terrible."
She watches him adjust and smiles a little. The kid's adorable, and he feels such a fondness in her chest every time she watches him do all the little things kids do. The urge to ruffle his hair and hug him is high.
"Anyone ever introduce you to the concept of an 'I Statement'?"
"It's a format for communicating difficult things to someone when you're trying to explain your perspective clearly without assigning blame, activating defensiveness, or sounding threatening."
She pulls out a notebook and she'll write down the format there for him:
When you _________ their action____________
I feel or think _________your feeling_________
Because ______why it made you feel that way________
I would prefer _________your preference_____________.
She pushes the notebook over to him and points to the spot just below.
Oh, it's a formula. He brightens, fascinated, and reads it over. Reads it over again, a frown teasing across his face. And then he starts scribbling away, though he gets hung up on the 'I would prefer.'
"...I'm going to change it a little."
He pauses after the last sentence, rereads, and then offers it to Saga.
When you tried to trick me into somewhere I couldn't escape, I was scared at first, and then after that it hurt. It's hard for me to trust people. I want to talk to you about that, but I want you to know I still care about love you and I want to talk because I want to trust you and I don't think you want to hurt me.
She'll look it over, then make a couple of tweaks.
When you tried to trick me into somewhere I couldn't escape, I was scared at first, and then after that it hurt.because it's hard for me to trust people. I want to talk to you about that,butbecause I want you to know I love you and I want to talk because I want to trust you and I want you to know I don't think you want to hurt me.
Better for what he told Saga he wants to do. Better for what he does want to do. But he's suddenly encountering a part of himself that doesn't want to do this at all.
"I'm his friend. My brother is his other half. And he wanted to hurt me. Not... not do anything to me, like hit me, I don't mean that, but he knows. He knows how-- I learned what a panic attack was because the first time I had one I was with Arthur, and it was about being trapped."
He slaps the pad of paper onto the table and tries to center himself with a drink of his mocha.
Quieter, he adds, "He fucking knows. And I think he wanted to use it."
She can't help half a smile as she watches him enjoy.
"'Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.'" She sips her own coffee. "It's an adage I try to live by, because more often than not, it saves a lot of heartache."
She turns her hand to Edwin.
"You have every right to be mad at him, because what he did was shitty, like you said. But I think you'll be hurting both of you more if you assume that he was trying to hurt you. Or that he doesn't care about you."
Sip.
"I can't say for certain, but I think it's likely that he panicked over whatever you did to John, and since he couldn't fix it, but he needed to do something, he tried to control the situation by 'fixing' things on your side, and he couldn't see the harm he was doing to you or allow for your right to decide things for yourself while he was panicked."
A pause.
"...and the accent and his poise makes it sound like he's not being a freaked out dumbass when yeah, he's still being a freaked out dumbass."
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Saga's eyes are a little wide, since she hasn't heard anything, but she'll gesture for him to enter.
"What kind of 'messed up' are we talking?"
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"John and I fought. Really, really badly. Well-- No, I got really scared about something and I hurt John. A lot." If he's going to get this right, he needs to be completely honest about it. "A lot. Worse than I... ever, ever have."
He almost adds as me, but cuts himself off. He doesn't need to say that. He's him.
"He didn't tell Arthur what happened. But he was... He wasn't doing well. And Arthur figured out it had to do with me, and he--"
Edwin makes a grumbly little noise and rubs his face with both hands. "The stupid shithead tried to trap me in his cabin so he could interrogate me, and I don't think he even-- even knows, even realizes that he wouldn't have cared what I said, until I said what he wanted."
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The way he was with Wake. The agenda he didn't tell her about until later. It makes her wince, because it's still one of the only times she's ever gotten sharp with her partner, but sharp she did get.
Knowing what she knows about Arthur, the idea that anyone would hurt John-
"I'm surprised you aren't tied up there now, honestly."
Oh, Edwin's a godling. But Arthur is crafty and sharp and if he felt guilty about what he'd done to John, he knows Arthur would use that to wrap him up like a Thanksgiving Turkey with enough time.
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It's the first trace of annoyance he's had in this whole thing about the insult to his intelligence that was Arthur's opening.
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He closes his eyes and ties to remember exactly what happened. "I teleported back to my cabin, and he came in and said we were going to talk or-- well, doesn't matter without context. 'Or else,' kind of, but hyperbole. It started okay, he said he was there because he cared and he'd never seen either of us that upset. And then it got bad, fast. He tried to make me feel guilty, and when I got angry instead he got sharp, and then I told him to leave and he wouldn't, so I told him that was bullshit and disrespectful and I left."
He glances up at that, a clear 'did I do good?'
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"I've got tea and hot cocoa now, if you want that."
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"You can, in fact. And you, kiddo, have discovered the wonder that we call 'the mocha': the combination of chocolate and coffee."
She'll pull out the little cocoa packet.
"Coming right up."
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He pauses and sighs. Right. More business. "I already kind of told him part of it was shitty, because he knows I'm afraid of being trapped. More than afraid of it. So I asked him if that's what he was trying to do, and he said yes and tried to make excuses, and I made him answer the question of what I'm most afraid of other than-- than the Dark World, and when he finally did I asked him how I could even pretend he was there for me and John when he started with that."
And then other discussions happened, but those are not as relevant to this.
"And the conversation kind of got broken off, but I thought about it more, and..."
He sighs through his nose. "I want to talk to him about what he was actually doing, because I think he thinks he was investigating and he wasn't."
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"He was 'protecting' John. And 'protecting' can get" her eyes are somewhere else for a moment, someone else, "pretty dark, when someone feels like someone they love is slipping through their grasp."
She sits down with her own coffee.
"If you heard the quote marks, that's because it's not that either. It's an attempt to regain control of a situation so nothing gets worse. It's a defense mechanism, and I'm not at all surprised."
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"Anyway, I was pretty nasty about pointing out the trapping part, and I don't actually feel sorry about that, but I'm not ready to talk to him about everything else yet, and how much it... how much it hurt that he would do that when he knows how hard I worked to trust him in the first place. I need to figure out how to say it so he won't just decide it means he's terrible."
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"Anyone ever introduce you to the concept of an 'I Statement'?"
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She pulls out a notebook and she'll write down the format there for him:
When you _________ their action____________
I feel or think _________your feeling_________
Because ______why it made you feel that way________
I would prefer _________your preference_____________.
She pushes the notebook over to him and points to the spot just below.
"Give it a shot."
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"...I'm going to change it a little."
He pauses after the last sentence, rereads, and then offers it to Saga.
When you tried to trick me into somewhere I couldn't escape, I was scared at first, and then after that it hurt. It's hard for me to trust people. I want to talk to you about that, but I want you to know I
still care aboutlove you and I want to talk because I want to trust you and I don't think you want to hurt me.no subject
When you tried to trick me into somewhere I couldn't escape, I was scared at first, and then after that it hurt
.because it's hard for me to trust people. I want to talk to you about that,butbecause I want you to know I love you andI want to talk becauseI want to trust you and I want you to know I don't think you want to hurt me."How's that fit?"
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"This is better."
Better for what he told Saga he wants to do. Better for what he does want to do. But he's suddenly encountering a part of himself that doesn't want to do this at all.
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"Something the matter?"
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There should not be a 'but' there. John wouldn't have a but there.
"I--"
Another pause.
"I'm angry."
And it's a kind of anger so specific he's never encountered it before.
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First questions first.
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He slaps the pad of paper onto the table and tries to center himself with a drink of his mocha.
Quieter, he adds, "He fucking knows. And I think he wanted to use it."
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"Have you ever heard of something called Hanlon's razor?"
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"'Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.'" She sips her own coffee. "It's an adage I try to live by, because more often than not, it saves a lot of heartache."
She turns her hand to Edwin.
"You have every right to be mad at him, because what he did was shitty, like you said. But I think you'll be hurting both of you more if you assume that he was trying to hurt you. Or that he doesn't care about you."
Sip.
"I can't say for certain, but I think it's likely that he panicked over whatever you did to John, and since he couldn't fix it, but he needed to do something, he tried to control the situation by 'fixing' things on your side, and he couldn't see the harm he was doing to you or allow for your right to decide things for yourself while he was panicked."
A pause.
"...and the accent and his poise makes it sound like he's not being a freaked out dumbass when yeah, he's still being a freaked out dumbass."
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